Married Without Desire: A Single Word From My Therapist Changed Everything

"When you don’t have the words to describe something, it’s impossible to imagine it," the author writes.

I was 34 and married to a man when it first hit me: I should have bloomed by now.

In high school, I had always been way too into waiting for marriage to have sex, even though I wasn’t particularly religious or conservative. I just thought, Well, a rule’s a rule! You heard what our nervous P.E. teacher said, folks! Keep it in your pants!

A Reluctant Detective of Desires

Several heart-wrenching therapy sessions later, I admitted something crucial – I never felt the desire to have sex with men. And it wasn't just men; women weren't in the picture either, despite identifying as bisexual. It took my therapist asking a question I never thought to ask myself: "Do you think you could be asexual?"

Unlocking the Asexual Door

Asexuality, in simple terms, means experiencing little to no sexual attraction. It's not about gender, and it's different from romantic attraction. I might be romantically attracted to all genders (biromantic) but sexually attracted to none of them (asexual or “ace”).

Confusing Bisexuality with Asexuality

Thinking I was bisexual because I wanted to date both men and women, I realized dating and desiring were two entirely different things. Flirting and kissing? Absolutely! But taking things to the bedroom? I'd rather see what’s on Netflix.

The Perils of Dating as an Asexual

Dating became a minefield, interpreting signals that didn't exist for me. Misunderstanding led to uncomfortable situations, making every interaction feel like a risky endeavor.

The Dream That Turned Awkward

In college, finally getting my crush back to my room after a party seemed like a dream come true. But when things started moving too fast, panic set in. Misunderstood signals led to disappointment, and I found myself watching him leave, confused and disappointed.

The Whirlwind Romance with a Lingering Tension

Years later, I met my husband, and a whirlwind romance ensued. He was understanding about waiting for sex, but the unease lingered in the bedroom. I couldn't comprehend the importance people placed on it, leading to nightly anxiety and the constant urge to be "normal."

The Detective Work and Failed Attempts

To bridge the gap, I became a bedroom detective, trying to unearth the root of the problem. But no scenario, no matter how well outlined, alleviated my anxiety about sex.

A Therapist's Revelation

Finally, a therapy session provided the answer I'd been seeking. Acknowledging my asexuality was a relief but confessing it to my husband was nerve-wracking. Surprisingly, it became a moment of understanding, allowing me to be true to myself.

Navigating Society's Misconceptions

Coming out as asexual wasn't easy. Society's misconceptions and hurtful assumptions added to the struggle. Asexuality isn't about missing out; it's just different.

Dreaming of Acceptance and a Spectrum of Love

Despite the challenges, asexuality isn't a source of sadness. Asexual can date, find partners, get married, and have kids. Society's acceptance could alleviate the distress asexual face.

Embracing My True Self

Discovering asexuality gave me a name for my identity, and it became an orientation I could claim. Being my true self with my husband made us stronger than ever.

Dreaming for a Better Future

My dream is for asexuality to be widely accepted, not seen as a slur or a disorder. There are many like me out there, and I hope as more share their truths, the world will understand how much we love ourselves and our lives just the way we are.