Why Do most people regret having Children?

A Personal Journey and Societal Reflection

In the circle of my closest companions, I find myself as the lone individual yet to embark on the journey of parenthood.

At the age of 40, committed to a long-term relationship, I stand alongside friends of similar age and circumstance.

During a recent retreat to a tranquil beach resort in eastern Florida, my friend Steven, a husband and father of two young children, engaged me in a candid conversation. Amidst the lively atmosphere of the resort pool, he voiced genuine concern, questioning my choice to forego parenthood.

His words lingered, "Don’t you worry you’ll turn 60 and wonder what else there is to life?"

Nonchalantly, I responded, "Perhaps. But acting on such a consequential decision merely to avoid future regret feels peculiar."

Interestingly, as our conversation unfolded, Steven and his wife revealed conflicting perspectives.

Steven admitted, "There are days when I’ve thought that having kids isn’t really worth it," prompting a defensive response from his wife, who cautioned, "It’s very hard. I wouldn’t recommend having kids unless you are completely sure."

Immersed in the challenges of parenting, they strive to be exemplary parents, diligently attending to every aspect of their children's lives.

While the idea of parenthood occasionally nags at me, my inclination leans away, valuing my freedom, sleep, and financial stability.

Expressing my hesitation to Steven, I remarked, "The whole idea of having a child just isn’t passing some mental test in my mind. There’s a psychological barrier telling me not to proceed, a powerful gut feeling."

The permanence of parenthood strikes me — once on that path, there's no turning back. It's akin to committing to a lengthy, demanding movie without the option to leave early.

The landscape of parental regret is explored through a 2023 study led by psychologist Dr. Konrad Piotrowski, revealing regret rates ranging from 5–13% in developed countries.

Severity of regret correlates with lower life satisfaction and increased parental burnout, often exacerbated by financial difficulties.

Recognizing my privileged position to choose, I acknowledge the importance of reproductive rights and access to birth control.

It's crucial for individuals to exercise their autonomy when deciding to become parents, recognizing the weight of the commitment.

Drawing from sociologist Orna Donath's research, parental regret often stems from succumbing to partner pressure. Both fathers and mothers who yield to such pressures report higher levels of regret and unhappiness.

My anxiety about potential regret is not assuaged by conflicting data. The choice to have children is a luxury, and one should appreciate the autonomy it affords.

Living in a culture that refrains from criticizing those who choose not to have children would be ideal, considering the myriad challenges parenthood poses.

Research indicates a significant initial drop in happiness and quality of life for parents, especially during the stressful middle-age phase.

While many parents cherish their children, my observation of my own parents' struggles and sacrifices makes me ponder the true cost of parenthood.

In an ideal world, societal norms should respect those who choose different paths. Criticism and shame have no place for those opting out of parenthood, as the world benefits from parents who genuinely desire and nurture their children.

To those who undertake this heroic effort, my infinite respect is bestowed upon you. Parenting is a commendable journey, deserving of admiration.